An Insight into My Desolation
Over the past two years, I have been experiencing what is commonly referred to as “spiritual dryness.” My individual spirituality seems to lack sentimentality and intimacy with our Blessed Lord.
In much of my prayer, I contemplate on why it is that I am being lead down this path, what I can do about it, whether or not it was my doing, etc... St. Augustine says "Our hearts are restless, o Lord, until they rest in Thee." I reflect on this phrase over and over as I search for Him in this drought.
God permits these experiences that cloud our lives, many times without our knowing why. One of the recurring explanations that I find as I seek consolation among the saints is simply that our Blessed Lord uses these trials in order to draw us closer to Him.
I recently finished Derya Little’s From Islam to Christ, and in it, she articulates what I have not been able to put my finger on:
“In my quest to find the truth about the Catholic Church, the pressure to find the answers, [...] had taken me away from the foot of the Cross.1”
For these last couple of years, I have spent much time with my nose buried in books attempting to learn and understand apologetics, philosophy, and theology. I tend to focus my attention on who or what God is. I do so to be prepared to (God willing) lead skeptical minds to the Lord, to be prepared to answer forthcoming questions from my children one day, and so on.
I ponder if I have stumbled into this spiritual desert as natural byproduct of immersing myself in rather dense material. It is as if my hyper-concentration on the "how" of our beloved Catholic Tradition has inadvertently lead me focusing on the love of Christ.
Admittedly, in this time of hardship, there are times I do not know what to pray, how to think, or what to ask for in prayer. I feel lost and lack the intimacy with Christ that my heart longs for. The first verse of the 63rd Psalm says it perfectly:
"O God, thou art my God, I seek thee, my soul thirsts for thee; my flesh faints for thee, as in a dry and weary land where no water is."
These kinds of difficulties lead many astray from the path to holiness. However, I understand this is the will of God, and like St. Peter, I echo the words, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of everlasting life! (cf John 6:69)”
I share this as in insight to my own life, not for instruction, but that I, like many before me (and after me), experience the absence of the Lord. It can feel desolate and isolating, but the reality is, I must remember that I am being drawn to a deeper love for God. I do not know how long it will last, or what must be endured to get there. But I know I must persist.
I am reminded of a good priest friend I met in Spain who would always tell me: “¡Ánimo, y adelante!” which roughly translates to, have faith and press on. I am comforted by these words, as in these situations, that is precisely what we must do.
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1. Little, Derya (2017) From Islam to Christ: One Woman’s Path through the Riddles of God. San Francisco. CA: Ignatius Press
