Your Wife is Not Your Buddy

Your wife is not your buddy. You shouldn't treat your wife like she's one of the guys. You shouldn't talk to/with your wife as if she's one of your 'bros', either. This should all come as a no-brainer, especially if we are truly some (to borrow a title, if I may) Catholic gentlemen.

Your wife ought to be your best friend, your better half, flesh of your flesh, and the person who is up to the task of getting your sinful self up to Heaven. She is to be revered, respected, lifted high, and treated as your queen. She is to be loved as without blemish or spot just as Christ, the bride-groom, loves His bride, the Church (Ephesians 5).

I can recall specifically one evening in which my wife and I were at the dinner table (yes, where we eat dinner, as you should be doing with your wife and family, too) while my son was sleeping. We were talking about the beauty of parenthood and, as we typically do, talking about victories (primarily of my wife's doing) and failures (primarily of my doing) that we have had with our little boy. This naturally brings into question observations we have made by parents we know in how they choose to deliberately go about the process of child rearing from the point of trying to conceive up through adolescence.

That conversation led us to concentrating on the various aspects of the pregnancy itself, including what technology has enabled us to monitor throughout the child's growth in the mother's womb. In our discussion we had arrived at an impasse (what? A married couple at an impasse? No!). At that moment I had a choice. I could either dig deeper and play the devil's advocate with border-line interrogative like questioning and turn this conversation into a sporting-like event created specifically to route her to my own style of thinking, or I could keep quiet while charitably and lovingly disagreeing with her point of view (as there was nothing morally compromising with her point of view).

As fate would have it (or perhaps it was my pride), I chose the former and decided to prick and prod with questions left and right. Unbeknownst to me, I had become condescending during the spirited exchange on top of my interrogation-like questions. Before I realized it, I had taken us down a path of sadness and anger due to my manipulation and disagreement. My wife ended the conversation out of frustration (quite understandably so) and proceeded to clean up without speaking a word to me, and then it hit me- I'm a jerk. I just spoke to my wife as if she were a buddy who was acting like a dumbass.

With your buddies, you can do this and get away with it. Hell, I'd even suggest you should. As men, we are called to keep one another in check. If your friend says something completely asinine (whatever it may be), you should absolutely begin the act we so commonly know as, "busting his balls." And, you should expect that when you, yourself, are acting like a fool, to be kicked below the belt, too.

Not your wife, though. That evening, as time passed and there was no more conversing for what seemed like an eternity, I began to reflect on how unnecessarily competitive (and boyish) I had become during dinner. I felt awful. My wife had to endure yet another stint of foolishness on my behalf in my attempt to begin sporting my questions regarding the topic in which we disagreed. It was then that I realized, "she doesn't deserve to be spoken to like she's a buddy of mine."

As I began to apologize (while eating an entire humble pie), I vowed to myself to not communicate with my wife in that sort of spirit again. When I do, I am not engaging in a self-giving manner, nor does it speak of the glory of God. I must remember that when I speak to my wife, I must do so with the foundation that she is whom I vowed to get to Heaven, she is who vowed to get ME there (good luck!), she is my bride whom I should valiantly raise and offer up to God.

Gentlemen, remember this as you communicate to your wife, fiancee, or girlfriend. If how you communicate to her does not resound with Christ's goodness, then maybe you should take a step back from the ring and think, I ought to be fighting with her for God's glory, not against.

Pax Christi